Uncertainty
by Chicapanzy
Summary: COMPLETED! Shore leave is over, and Spock and Kirk have to hide their relationship. When Spock tries to break it off with Uhura, she reacts unexpectedly! McCoy's acting strange too! What's going on? Kirk/Spock with other complications. Sequel to Destiny
1. Return to the Enterprise

Disclaimer: **I do not own Star Trek or any of its characters. Kirk/Spock slash. **This is part two of Destiny, so if you haven't read it yet, go read it before you read this one. ^^

**Uncertainty  
Ch 1: Return to the Enterprise**

The remaining days of shore leave were spent blissfully by the Enterprise's Captain and First Officer. They decided to spend their time learning more about each other. Kirk told stories of his childhood in Iowa; he told the story of how he drove his step-father's classic car off of a cliff, and expressed his severe dislike for the man whom his mother had somehow managed to fall in love with. Spock felt the pain of Kirk's fatherless childhood in the stories he told, and his love for his mother as he talked fondly of the blueberry cobbler he claimed she was famous for and insisted that Spock try when their five year mission ended. A twinge of jealousy pulled at Spock's heart, wishing his mother was alive to meet Kirk.

His mother, as he told Kirk, had been the sole reason he appreciated his human heritage. Despite her emotionality, she was an incredibly kind and caring woman, and it hurt him deeply that she blamed herself for the constant teasing and ridicule he faced growing up on Vulcan. Not only had his peers and teachers made a point of pointing out his weakness as a half-breed whenever they could, but even the elders felt it necessary to throw it in his face. He spent most of his life living up to the expectations of those who could care less about his success, when all that mattered was his mother's feelings. She always told him she was proud to be his mother, but he desperately wanted her to see him become something great and to hear him tell her just how much she meant to him. He'd never get that chance now.

Though the two spent a great deal of time conversing and discovering new things that gave insight to the other's personality, they did other things as well. Spock forced Kirk to partake of his favorite board game: chess. The possibility of defeating Spock intellectually proved to be more alluring than he had thought, and Kirk found himself interrupting Spock during his tasks to challenge him. It was as cute as it was annoying to see Kirk run up to him, much like a child would his playmate, and anxiously request to play another game of chess when he had so much to do. Nevertheless, the Vulcan couldn't resist the sparkle of excitement in Kirk's eyes, and would always give in to his wishes.

Chess was not their only pastime during the remainder of shore leave; Kirk deemed it his God-given task to educate Spock in the ways of human intimacy. At first, Spock was gentle and sweet, much like a virgin girl. But soon, he became more aggressive; most times Kirk took the initiative, but Spock soon began initiating sessions himself. Sometimes he'd even take the initiative outside their quarters. Kirk was incredibly turned on whenever Spock took the lead, but he began worrying about the level of aggression he saw in Spock. There were moments where he wasn't sure if he was really seeing Spock, but rather seeing a completely different person.

The last days of shore leave were a bit of paradise for the two young men. During this time, they were free to be themselves. Neither had to pretend to be something they weren't or hide their thoughts; they spoke and acted as openly as a married couple in the privacy of their own home. But all good things must come to an end, and soon, so did the shore leave, far sooner than either wanted.

The day shore leave officially ended, it was as though the flood gates had opened. Shuttle after shuttle docked on to the Enterprise, and from them wave after wave of fresh faced crew members emerged. The shore leave proved to be a much needed retreat for the Enterprise's crew. The horrors of the Nero encounter and the exhaustion from the assignment of mission after mission shortly thereafter were long since forgotten, replaced with the excitement of the five-year long voyage into the unknown. They would be making their way into the history books, a thought that erased any trace of sadness or fear.

Among the crew arrivals was Nyota Uhura. She chatted amicably with a fellow crew member she sat with on her shuttle. From a different shuttle emerged Doctor Leonard McCoy, who seemed as though he would have been better off not having any shore leave at all. A scowl clung to his lips; he had spent his shore leave finalizing the divorce with his ex-wife. Had he been given a choice, he would have only stayed on Earth long enough to tie up whatever loose ends remained from before his enrollment in the academy.

Both scanned the docking room, Uhura in search of Spock, and McCoy in search of Kirk. The two shared a look of sadness at not finding their intended, though neither was aware of the other. Uhura shook her sadness off and resumed chatting with her friend, while McCoy, a look of disappointment deepening his scowl, stomped off to his quarters.

* * *

The hustle and bustle of arriving crew members perked Spock's ears as he meditated in his room. It seems his guestimation at the arrival time of the crew was correct. He was wise to cut his chess game with Kirk short and retire to his room. His eyes remained closed, so as to maintain his concentration, but the occasional and unpredictable loud thump, laugh, and chatter outside his door made it difficult. He had made a habit out of meditating daily, feeling the control of his emotions grow stronger and stronger. Before the arrival of the crew, Spock suggested that he and Kirk keep their private interactions down to a minimum to avoid suspicions. He was still unsure of how he would handle the situation with Uhura, but he knew that sneaking off to be with Kirk would be the poorest approach.

Just as he was about to open his eyes and find something else to do, a knock was heard at his door. Involuntarily, Spock smiled. He was certain it was Captain Kirk, come to spend one last intimate moment with him during the chaos. He sprung to his feet, barely able to contain his excitement. Regardless of how he felt about putting up appearances for the rest of the crew, the thrill of seeing Kirk now was more than he could stand. He reached the door and straightened himself out. With all the people in the hall, the last thing he needed was anyone to see him smiling uncharacteristically. Finally ready, he opened his door. Behind the door wasn't Captain Kirk…

…it was Uhura.

"Nyota…" he said breathlessly, surprise showing on his face.

Uhura gave Spock little time to say anything else as she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him fully on the lips. In an instant, Spock remembered everything that attracted him to Uhura. Strangely enough, some of the same things that attracted him to her were what attracted him to Kirk. Her spontaneity, her tenderness, her intellect…and how unbelievably attractive she was. Her scent filled his nose and drew him in, causing him to return the kiss with a well matched intensity. But something felt different in this kiss. It didn't hold the same fire it had before the shore leave. Somehow, something was missing from it…what was it? Was something different with her?

Uhura broke the kiss and grinned at Spock. "Sorry to cut it short, I just wanted to see you before I settled in." She gave him another quick peck on the lips and stepped back. "Come by later on when you get a chance, okay?" Giving him one last smile, she bounded down the hall to catch up with her friend. Spock stepped out of his room and watched her walk away. She felt his eyes on him and turned back around. Walking backwards, she waved at the Vulcan, who raised his hand in kind.

As she and her friend caught up and began chatting again, it hit him. Nothing had changed with Uhura; on the contrary, she was the exact way she was before she left. What Spock felt change was from within, and the realization shook him to the core.

He no longer loved Uhura.


	2. Advice

**Ch 2: Advice**

Kirk turned the water in his shower off, steam completely filling his bathroom. He grabbed two towels, one to dry himself off, and the other to dry his hair. Just as he had begun drying his hair, a knock came at his door. He paused and stared at his door. _Who in the world would be knocking at my door right now?_ Wrapping a towel tightly around his waist, he walked out of his bathroom, a quizzical look on his face.

"Who is it?" he cried.

"First Officer Spock, Captain," came the muffled reply. "Permission to enter your quarters?"

Grinning like a Cheshire cat, Kirk decided to forgo putting any clothes on and flew onto his bed. Though he hadn't expected to see Spock for the rest of the day, he wanted to make sure he was ready for whatever he had in store with his surprise visit. He posed as sexily as he could, which turned out to be easier than he thought with only a towel covering his still wet body.

"Come in!" he shouted, putting on his best come-hither face.

In walked Spock in his typical rigid pose. As soon as the door closed, he relaxed, unclasping his hands and letting them rest at his sides. He brought his attention to Kirk and saw the blond-haired captain lazily draped across his bed. His skin glistened from the water that still clung to his flesh. Droplets of water fell from his hair and rolled down his shoulders and chest. A flush painted his cheeks and nose red from the hot water he showered in. Spock couldn't help but react when he saw his captain in such a manner. Part of him was turned on; the other part of him wanted to laugh. It was peculiar how easily he reacted to the Captain's increasingly nonsensical actions, but he supposed that was simply a part of allowing himself to be more emotionally open to the man.

Realizing his mouth was hanging open, he shook his head to clear some of the naughty thoughts out of his head. "Jim, I have something that I need to discuss with you. I unfortunately do not have time for of our more physical activities." The flush on Kirk's face deepened from his inaccurate assumption. He quickly repositioned himself into a sitting position at the edge of the bed. Clearing his throat, he said, "Uh, sorry there Spock. I just figured, you know, what with all the ruckus outside, you wanted to…so, what do you need to talk about?"

Spock licked his lips, as they had become unusually dry. Kirk desperately tried not to focus on this simple, yet damn sexy action so that he could hear what was on his beloved's mind. "Nyota came to visit me at my quarters not long ago."

The contempt was clear to see on Kirk's face the moment Uhura's name was mentioned. "Oh? What happened?"

Spock's pale skin turned green in shame. "She…she kissed me…as a form of greeting me after her arrival." He noticed that Kirk was turning a rather deep shade of red and knew exactly why. He continued, "When she kissed me, it occurred to me that the emotional attachment I once shared with her is no longer in effect."

To his relief, the color in Kirk's face disappeared and his face relaxed. Kirk breathed a sigh of relief. "Ah, so you've officially fallen out of love with her, then?"

Slowly, Spock nodded.

Kirk laughed as the feeling of panic drained away. Ignoring the look that Spock gave him, he leaned forward. "That's perfect then! That means that all you have to do is break up with her, and we have nothing to worry about!" His hand rose to touch Spock's face, but Spock grabbed his wrist before he could and lowered it.

"I am afraid that is the reason I have come to your quarters. I wish to preserve the bond Uhura and I share, but with my lack of desire to continue the romantic aspects of our relationship, I fear she will sever all ties with me, and I will lose a dear friend."

Kirk sighed. This was a situation that he wasn't too entirely familiar with. All his relationships with women had been on a bedroom-only basis, so friendship was never a worry when he decided to break things off, which he did frequently and unabashedly. For Spock, simply breaking it off and going about his business wouldn't be nearly as easy. Though it seemed off that he would ask him for advice on how to break up with a girl, the irony of the situation was not lost on him.

Clapping his free hand on Spock's shoulder, Kirk cheerfully said, "Spock, your plight is one that has plagued humans for centuries: how to stay friends with the girl you want to dump. I hate to tell ya, but even now there's no easy way to break it off. The moment you say something, she'll get weepy, angry, defensive, then when it's all over she'll run to her friends and gorge on a gallon of ice cream in pajamas while talking about how much they hate men."

Spock simply blinked at Kirk. He couldn't honestly tell if Kirk was making a joke at his expense or if he was serious. The blank stare he gave Kirk conveyed this clearly without him having to say anything. "So what you'll need to do," Kirk continued, realizing his humor was lost on his dear Vulcan friend, "is be gentle with her. Reassure her that there's nothing wrong with her, and let her know that you simply want to stay friends. And whatever you do, don't speak to her like you're prattling off scientific knowledge. Talk to her like she's a human, not an officer."

Silence hung heavily in the air. Though no words were spoken, both minds were swimming with thoughts. Breaking the silence, Kirk softly said, "Look Spock, this isn't easy to do period. You're dealing with something that's both extremely strong and extremely fragile – a woman's feelings of love. While I'm certain you'll be able to handle the situation well, I can't tell you exactly what to say. In situations like this, your best bet is to just speak what's on your mind."

Sighing, Spock rose and headed towards the door. Stopping before it, he turned around and looked at Kirk, who simply smiled and said, "It'll be alright. If Uhura's feelings for you are as strong as I think they are, I'm sure you'll be okay. Just be honest with her…minus the part about us of course. Suffice to say, that'll be an instant death to any kind of friendship with her."

The Vulcan gave Kirk a nod and left the room. Kirk put his head in his hands and sighed heavily. As much as he wanted to mean what he said about everything being okay, his gut told him he was dead wrong.


	3. Letting Go

**Ch 3: Letting Go**

Uhura's friend finally left to her own chambers, leaving Uhura alone to await Spock eagerly. She hoped she hadn't come on too strong by greeting him with a kiss. She knew the Vulcan was particularly sensitive about emotional outbursts when they weren't in private, and regardless of the chaos of the entire ship's crew returning for duty, there had to have been a few witnesses of her little scene.

But she didn't care. Even though she enjoyed the time she spent with her family and old friends, she had missed him greatly during her time off. Remembering the feel of his warm lips against hers made her shiver with excitement. As she recalled their kiss though, she remembered feeling something different than she had before the shore leave. It was more than just the simple surprise of her sudden kiss; somehow, she could sense that something dramatic had occurred during the shore leave with just that kiss.

This feeling unnerved her. Why did he seem different? What could have possibly happened in two weeks to completely change someone like Spock? Sure, Spock had been emotionally compromised after the loss of Vulcan and his mother, but two months had passed since then. Loss is never something that is recovered from quickly, but surely Spock couldn't have had a relapse?

Just as she wished she could have some answers to her questions, she heard a knock at her door. Her heart stopped, but just for a moment. Was it Spock? She hurried to the door and opened it. Sure enough, there stood Spock before her, stiff and formal as usual. Unable to contain herself, she hugged him tightly. He tentatively put his arms around her, most likely thrown off again by her sudden reaction to seeing him.

She pulled back and smiled excitedly. "Come on in! I've been waiting for you!" She stepped back enough to allow Spock room to enter. The door closed behind him, he relaxed his arms and allowed his shoulders to lower some.

"It's good to see you," Uhura said, sitting on the bed and patting a spot next to her. She wanted Spock to be as near to her as possible. Spock took Uhura's invitation and sat down next to her on the bed. Uhura laid her head on his shoulder and placed a hand on his thigh. Her hand ran softly up and down his pants leg, a soothing maneuver she tended to use when they sat like this. Though he didn't show it, this simple act of stroking his leg had the opposite effect. The knot of nerves that lay heavy in the pit of Spock's stomach grew tighter.

For several minutes they sat like this. Before long, Uhura started to sense that something different in Spock again. By now, he would have rested his head on top of hers, but his head remained upright and staring down at his feet. She stopped stroking his leg and sat up straight.

"Okay Spock, what's wrong?" She refused to be the only one being affectionate. This wasn't what she was expecting or looking forward to when she came back from leave. Spock's head remained facing forward, denying her a view of his face. She put a hand on the side of his face and forced it to face her. Finally, they made eye contact with each other. As she looking deep into his dark eyes, she saw the same kind of sadness she saw when Vulcan was destroyed. Her face slacked in concern, she repeated, "What's wrong?"

Spock touched the hand that she held so tenderly against his face and closed his eyes. A hurt unlike any he had ever felt, not even when his mother died, caused his heart to ache. He couldn't bear looking into Uhura's soulful eyes. Guilt, sadness, and fear viciously attacked him all at once. How could he tell her? She was the only one who was there to comfort him when he lost everything. She was the one who held him close, stroked his hair, and whispered words of assurance. No one else even bothered to help him cope with the immense pain he felt, and here he was, struggling to find the words and the courage to convey what he felt.

"Please Spock," Uhura insisted. "If you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't help you." She placed another hand on his face and pulled him close for another kiss. The tenderness of her kiss only intensified the pain Spock felt. He carefully grabbed her wrists and pulled her away. He opened his eyes and looked at her, some of the pain he felt beginning to show on her face as well.

Finally finding it in him to bare his soul, he took a deep breath. "Nyota, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you have done for me up until this point in time. You were a great comfort to me when I lost my mother and my home. However, I regretfully must request that…" he paused, his confidence beginning to wane, "…that we keep our relationship at solely a professional level."

Tears began to well at the corners of Uhura's eyes. She looked at Spock in disbelief. No, it couldn't be true. She had thought that they had something special, something that could surpass the great differences in their cultures. "Spock…" she said, her voice breaking as he held back a sob.

"Nyota, do not misunderstand my request. I still care greatly about you. That has not and will not ever change. I cannot in good conscience, however, continue a romantic relationship with you. I fear that my more recent attachment to you may be directly linked to my trauma, and I do not feel that a romantic relationship based solely on that is fair to you. I also have my obligation to my duties and my captain to think about, and any distractions from that could put me in another situation where I am emotionally compromised." He looked at Uhura, pained by the tears that streamed from her eyes.

Uhura kept herself composed despite her tears. "I…I understand. It'd be wrong of me to assume we could just become some happy couple so soon after you lost so much. Besides, we're going into space for 5 years straight. We don't know why kind of trouble we might run in to, and I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you because of me." She wiped her eyes, struggling to hold herself together long enough to share her feelings. "I have to say though, if I had known that I was going to be dumped when I got back from leave, I wouldn't have bought this."

She reached into her bag, which lay at the foot of her bed, and pulled out a box. She handed it to Spock, but he politely refused. "I cannot accept your gift in this situation. It would not be right." Determined, she forced it into Spock's hands and closed them around it.

"Please," she begged. "Open it. If not as my boyfriend, then as my friend."

Hearing Uhura call him 'friend' relieved Spock greatly. He slowly removed the top off of the box. Inside was a strange golden contraption with an old fashioned crank on the side of it. Spock carefully lifted the knick knack out of the soft tissue surrounding it and examined it.

"It's a music box. You, uh, you turn the crank to make it play." Placing one hand over his and another on the crank, she slowly turned the crank. When she could turn it no longer, she removed her hands and let it play.

Familiar notes rang in the air as the tiny contraption played its song. Memories of his mother, singing a song by his bed when he had trouble sleeping, played before his eyes. He remembered the soft feel of her hand stroke his hair and she softly sung the same sone he heard to him. As unusual as it was to hear his mother sing to him, it had the strangest way of soothing him to a point where sleep came easy. Without realizing it, tears fell from his eyes.

"I remembered you told me that your mom sang this song when you couldn't sleep, and I happened to find a music box that played it in an antique store. Well, that's not entirely true…I actually searched all over the place trying to find one that played that specific song. It was kinda hard, but somehow I pulled it off." More tears streamed down her brown cheeks, rewetting the trails that had dried. Seeing the tears fall from Spock's beautiful dark eyes, she took the music box and it's container from Spock's hands and put them aside. She then pulled Spock into her arms and cried openly.

Spock allowed the tears to fall, but clutched tightly onto his control to prevent an entire break down. Stroking his hair, Uhura whispered, "I'll always love you, Spock."

These words proved to be the trigger to get Spock to completely let go. Though he knew the voice was Uhura's, somehow he heard his mother's voice say it. Spock sobbed, holding Uhura tighter. The two cried until all their pain poured out of their eyes. When Spock finally left the room, instead of feeling liberated, having cried two months worth of pain and anguish, he felt as if he had lost everything all over again.

* * *

And there it is, the very sad, very emotional break up between Spock and Uhura. Where's her unexpected reaction you ask? You'll just have to keep reading to see...;)


	4. Doubts

**Ch 4: Doubts**

Kirk walked onto the bridge the next day and was greeted by Sulu, Chekhov, and other crew members. He didn't, however, see his First Officer or his Communications Officer. He sat down in his chair, a swirl of emotions showing on his face as he thought to himself. _Where are those two? Did something happen last night? Spock asked me about breaking things off, so perhaps they're collecting themselves before showing on the bridge. But then again, what if they __**didn't **__break up last night?!? What if…_

Before his mind could picture the very worst case scenario, the elevator door opened. In walked Uhura, red-eyed and flushed. Her appearance gave Kirk the very answer he needed, but it still didn't explain why Spock was still nowhere in sight. Seeing as he was the captain, he had to show concern for all his crew members. Besides, while he definitely didn't want Uhura to be with Spock, it didn't mean he didn't care about her feelings. He slowly rose out of his chair and stood behind Uhura's chair, leaning over her station.

"Hey, Uhura is everything alright?" he asked in a hushed tone. "You look like something's bothering you."

Expecting a snappy response, something along the lines of telling him it wasn't any of his business and that he should leave her alone, he was taken aback by her voice gently saying, "Yeah, I'm fine. I just, uh, I'm just going through kind of a rough time right now. I'm fine though; I'm fit for duty."

Kirk gave Uhura a look of concern and said, "Alright. If there's anything you want to talk about, you can always talk to me. Being captain doesn't mean all I do is give out orders after all."

Uhura looked at Kirk with her blood-shot eyes which glistened with the threat of tears. Unable to say anything out of fear she'd begin crying, she simply nodded before returning to her duties. Kirk felt an unexpected pang of guilt in his heart. _This is Spock Prime's fault, _he thought to himself as he returned to his chair. _Spock wouldn't even have given me a second thought if that pointy-eared old codger had only explained the Nero incident instead of filling his head with his memories of his relationship with __**his**__ Captain Kirk. He's probably got Spock all confused…_

Eyes wide, Kirk thought of something that made his heart ache to even consider. _Oh God, what if everything Spock is feeling for me is just residual feelings from Spock Prime? What if he really doesn't want a relationship with me, but is just completely thrown off balance? That means he broke up with Uhura for nothing, and that the last few days between us were…_

"_Captain!" _Sulu said, his voice barely under a shout. Kirk's attention was brought back to the bridge, where all eyes were on him. He was so lost in his thoughts, he hadn't even noticed that Spock had finally arrived and stood next to him, his brow furrowed with worry. "Sorry…" he said. "What'd I miss?"

"We've successfully left Starfleet and are on our way to our first mission, sir," Sulu said, his voice much quieter now that he had the Captain's attention, but with a concerned look on his face.

Kirk blinked in shock. He had completely missed their departure from Starfleet. He put a hand on his head and shook it lightly. "Great. Uh, good job guys. How long before we arrive at our destination?"

Chekhov chimed in, "At our current speed, approximately four days. Ceepten, are you alright?"

Kirk waved at Chekhov as if he was trying to swat away his apprehension. "Yeah yeah, I'm alright, I was just lost in thought for a while." He stood up, and looked around him. Something about the many pairs of eyes on him made him feel very weird. "Well, considering we have four days until we arrive, we can all relax for a little bit. From this point forward, we'll be going on mission after mission continuously. It'd be wise if everyone made use of whatever free time we have. If you'll excuse me…"

He walked away from his chair and pressed the button for the elevator. The door swiftly opened, allowing him access. He entered the elevator and turned around, most of his crew now exchanging looks at each other. The two pairs of eyes that remained on him were Spock's and Uhura's. He broke the gaze he gave them both, pressed the button for his floor, and let the door close behind him.

Spock stared at the elevator door for a moment before looking at Uhura. He saw the pain that sleep, if she got any, didn't fade from her face. Quickly looking away, he went to the elevator door and pressed the button. The now empty elevator arrived a moment later, and Spock disappeared inside.

* * *

Kirk had barely made it into his quarters when a knock came at his door. He closed his eyes in anguish. Could he not get a moment alone with his thoughts? He opened the door and saw Spock. Strangely, his hands rested at his side instead of clasped behind his back. His posture was somewhat lax as well. Why was he allowing himself to appear so relaxed in plain sight?

Without a word, Kirk moved aside and motioned for Spock to come inside. The door slid shut as the Vulcan entered the room. As soon as he reached the center of the room, he turned around to face Kirk. "Are you alright Jim? You were completely unresponsive on the bridge, which is quite unlike you."

Kirk laughed lightly and said sarcastically, "Funny, I figured everyone would be happy that I was keeping my mouth shut for once." Once again, Kirk's humor was lost on the Vulcan, who stared at him with a grave look of concern on his normally stoic face. "There's nothing for you to be worried about Spock, I was just lost in thought. It does periodically happen even to me you know."

Spock wasn't buying Kirk's miserable attempt to hide the truth. "Everyone aboard the bridge noticed that something is amiss, myself in particular. If we are to become more personal with each other, would it not be wise to vocalize any internal conflict you experience?"

Shoulders slumped forward, Kirk sighed heavily. He walked past Spock and sat on the bed, putting his head in his hands. Spock turned to face him, but did not come closer. "This is about the termination of my relationship with Communications Officer Uhura, isn't it?"

"Referring to her solely by rank now Spock?" Kirk said, unable to hide the contempt in his voice. Spock turned his head and said, "It would be inappropriate to address her in the same manner I had when we were involved." Silence. Spock looked at the Captain again, but still he made no eye contact. "When I approached you about my intentions yesterday, you were happy with my decision to end my relationship with Uhura. Now it seems as though you are having second thoughts on the matter." He knelt down, bringing himself to Kirk's level, and then asked, almost scared to hear the answer, "_Why?_"

Kirk's eyes finally met Spock's, and Spock was surprised at the way he looked at him. He looked hurt, as though he had ended the relationship they had instead of his relationship with Uhura. "I…" Kirk began, finding it hard to talk. He took a moment to calm himself, then tried speaking again. "I talked to Uhura a bit when she came aboard the bridge. I couldn't help but ask her how she was, since it was clear she was upset." Kirk noticed the change in Spock's face when he said this, but continued. "She wouldn't tell me anything. In fact, she swore that everything was alright…but I knew. I knew _exactly_ what was wrong."

He looked intently as Spock, and asked a question he never thought he'd ask. "Spock…do you _really_ want to be with _me_, and not Uhura?" Spock's eyes widened at hearing Kirk ask him such a thing. Kirk didn't let him respond, but instead revealed the dark feelings he held inside. "I was zoned out on the bridge because I began questioning our relationship. Before you left to see Spock Prime, the thought of being any more than my First Officer was far from your mind. But when you came back, all of a sudden you just had to talk to me and tell me how you feel. I didn't mention this before, but after Spock melded with me, I had…all _kinds _of thoughts in my head, all of them of you. It got to a point where I couldn't even tell whether my feelings were my own or not and…"

"You fear that I am under the influence of the meld Prime performed with me," Spock said, his words dripping with disappointment. "You have doubts that my feelings are my own."

"_Yes,_" Kirk said softly. "Everything has happened so fast between us…I can't help but wonder…"

Hot lips upon his cut Kirk off mid-sentence. Spock put as much love into his kiss as he could. As conflicted as Kirk was, he couldn't help but return the kiss with the same amount of love in it. They separated and looked at each other. Spock then said, "Do not ever question my love for you. I admit, our coming together was swift, and the common element was the melds we both experienced with Prime. But I assure you, my love for you is genuine and mine alone."

"But Uhura…"

"Uhura means much to me as well, but on a different level than what you mean to me. Had the circumstances been different, it is highly likely that she and I would never have been together romantically as we once were. We were never meant to be more than good friends and colleagues, and I simply put our relationship back in its proper place." He placed a hand on Kirk's cheek, which Kirk leaned into. "Do not feel as though you are to blame for her sadness. I cannot bear to see you in this condition."

Kirk turned his head and kissed the palm of Spock's hand, holding it close to his face and nodding. "Alright. I'll try not to blame myself for the situation."

Spock withdrew his hand from Kirk's face and stood, walking to the door. He turned one last time, giving Kirk a reassuring nod, then left the room.

Sighing, Kirk fell backwards on his bed. He couldn't help but smile at the fact that the Vulcan had promptly pursued him when he left the bridge. He also reveled at how concerned he was for him. _Do not ever question my love... _Such strong words from a man who hated him just two months ago. Maybe he really was worried for nothing. Maybe his human emotions were simply causing him to be unnaturally paranoid. If Spock was certain that Kirk was the man he wanted to be with, then Kirk would just have to accept that, wouldn't he?


	5. Vulnerable

**Ch 5: Vulnerable**

The day progressed at rather sluggish rate. For some reason, knowing they were hurtling through space towards an uncharted planet caused time to move more slowly. The blond-haired captain found he had become extremely bored before long and made his way to the mess hall. Perhaps something more interesting would happen there.

If he only knew.

Upon arriving in the mess hall, Kirk decided to get a bit of a snack. He walked up to the food replicator and requested a blueberry cobbler with a side of vanilla ice cream. Seconds later, a steamy plate of gooey blueberry cobbler appeared, a small cup of vanilla ice cream right next to it. Kirk took the tray the cobbler and ice cream sat on and quickly found a seat. Fork in hand, he flipped the cup upside down so that the ice cream fell on the cobbler and took a bite. The sweet tanginess of the cobbler/ice cream combination stimulated his taste buds. It took every bit of effort to avoid openly drooling as he savored the delicious combination. Sure, it had nothing on the homemade cobbler and ice cream his mother made, but it did a good job of coming close to it.

Just as he took another bite, someone placed a tray next to him. He turned, mouth full of yumminess, and saw Uhura, a small smile on her face. "Hey," she said, sitting down next to Kirk. On her tray sat a cobb salad and a glass of water.

Swallowing his mouthful of tasty cobbler, Kirk replied. "Hey, fancy meeting you in the mess hall. That's a nice little salad you got on your plate," he said, pointing with his fork. Uhura laughed lightly. "Thanks. And that's a nice little meal you have yourself. Not in the mood for a well balanced meal?"

Kirk smirked. "Well, seeing as how there's no telling what we could stumble upon on in unexplored space, I believe it's best to eat dessert first."

Uhura laughed again and began eating her salad. "You've got quite an outlook on life don't you?"

"Yeah, well, I'm well aware that my lifestyle isn't for everyone." He took a moment to take another bite of cobbler. "So, you feel any better?"

She paused, mid bite. "I thought I said I was fine when you asked on the bridge?"

Kirk sighed inwardly. Looks like Uhura was back to her normal self, if only somewhat. "Oh come on, if there's anything I can pick up on, it's when something's wrong with a woman. My offer stands if you want someone to talk to."

Uhura said nothing. She continued to eat her salad, occasionally sipping from her cup of water. Kirk shrugged and brought his attention back to his cobbler and ice cream. Finishing quickly, he scooted his chair back and picked up his tray. He walked the tray to the disposal and was about to leave the mess hall when Uhura called out.

"If…" she paused, watching the Captain turn around and look at her. "If I wanted to come by your quarters later to talk, would you be available?"

Kirk smirked at Uhura from across the room. "I've got a lot of paperwork to fill out. It'll probably take me the entirety of the evening to finish it up. I'm sure by the time someone came by wanting to talk, I'd be more than willing to take a break. He gave her a wink from across the room, and then left the mess hall.

* * *

Kirk felt his brain begin to turn to mush as he filled out his 39th form. Why did he have so damn much paperwork to handle? When he dreamed of being a captain as a child, he thought it would be glamorous: exploring new planets, meeting strange new life forms, earning medal after medal for his heroics, not spending hours and hours working on paperwork! He didn't even notice that his jaw had gone slack from the mindless activity, a bit of drool accumulating in the corner.

When he heard a knock at his door, he immediately flew out of his chair. Finally, something to relieve him of this wretched monotony! He opened the door and, as expected, saw Uhura.

"Oh thank God, please, _please, _come in!" Kirk exclaimed, stepping aside. Smirking, Uhura asked, "Is the paperwork that bad?" Kirk enthusiastically nodded. "You. Have. NO idea. If you had come ten minutes later, I might have become completely brain dead." He pulled another chair close to his desk and sat down. Uhura took a seat in the chair and crossed her legs. Involuntarily, Kirk checked out the long, smooth legs of his guest. He shook himself mentally when he realized what he was doing. _Guess old habits are harder to break than I thought… _

He smiled innocently at Uhura and leaned forward. "So, obviously you came here to talk; I'm all ears."

Uhura looked around rather uneasily, as if she was conflicted about whether or not she should even be in the same room with Kirk at that moment. "It's…it's Spock," she began. "He, uh, he broke up with me last night."

Kirk did his best to look genuinely surprised. "Wow," he said, acting as if this were news to him. "That's pretty heavy stuff. But I thought that you and he were getting along great? Why would he suddenly break it off like that?"

Tears glistened in Uhura's eyes. "I don't know. Everything was fine before we were granted time off. He told me he hoped that I enjoyed my time at home, I kissed him goodbye, and I left. When I came back though…" Her voice broke, a couple tears falling from her eyes. "I'm sorry. This was a bad idea. I shouldn't be here…"

She rose from the chair and was about to make her way out when Kirk grabbed her wrist. "No, please. Stay and talk to me." He looked into her eyes and felt his heart skip a beat. He mentally slapped himself. _No! Damn it, don't think about her that way! _Collecting himself, he motioned to her chair and said, "Come on, sit back down. You need someone to talk to right now."

She stared at Kirk a little longer, and then sat back down in the chair. She wiped the tears from her face, took a deep breath, and then continued. "When I saw him, I could tell that something was different. I don't know what happened during shore leave, but something changed."

Kirk swallowed down the lump of guilt he felt in his throat. "Maybe the time apart gave him time to realize that he wants something different from your relationship. They may say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but that's an expression that applies to humans."

"Spock _is _half-human, you know," Uhura replied with a frown.

"Yeah, and the other half is Vulcan." Kirk began to look a bit frustrated. "Look, I know you think that because you love him, you can get him to tear down his Vulcan barriers, but it's not that easy. When you spend your entire life being one way and are suddenly given an opportunity to be different, you can't just change overnight. It takes time, time that Spock probably didn't find a 'logical' use of his time in the long run."

Uhura's jaw twitched in anger. She didn't like the fact that Kirk was right. In fact, it infuriated her to admit it. But it didn't make his words any less true. "So maybe it was a mistake to fall in love with a _half-_Vulcan, but that doesn't change the fact that for a while, he and I shared something real, something special. He may have trouble showing his true self to _you _and everyone else on this ship, but behind closed doors, he opened his heart to me. _Me._ And I can't handle him just throwing all that away because his Vulcan logic decided to kick in while I was away."

"You don't get it, do you?" Kirk said, beginning to get angry himself. "When Spock lost his mother and his planet, you rushed in to play Nurse Nightingale! You wanted to patch him up and make him feel like everything was alright-"

"Why shouldn't I have done that? No one else would have even bothered-"

"How do _you _know that? You didn't give anyone the chance! You just swooped in and pacified him and, and, and _babied _him, and spoon fed him a bunch of sugary _crap_-"

"I gave him _love! _Something that he only got from his mother-"

"-which is _exactly _why he broke up with you!"

Uhura stared at Kirk, flabbergasted by his words. He let his words hang in the air for a moment, wanting them to sink in before he continued. He lowered his voice, a deadly tone ringing loud and clear, "You provided him a daily reminder of what he lost. Now this may have been acceptable for a while, considering the one thing he wants most is his mother to be alive again, but when you left, you gave him time to realize what that was really doing to him. You weren't helping his wounds heal, you were _reopening _them. Every single time you kissed him, every time you held him, everything you said to him reminded him of his mother. _That's _why he broke up with you, because he could bear to look in your eyes and see his dead mother looking back at him."

A sob broke through the air, reminding Kirk of how big of an ass he was. Uhura had come to him seeking comfort, and instead, he threw her feelings on the ground and stomped on them. She began to cry openly, and Kirk closed his eyes, wincing at the sound of her sobs. _This is why I kept most of my relationships on a strictly sexual basis, _he thought to himself. _I can't deal with how sensitive women are…_

He reached forward and touched her arm carefully. Shockingly, she didn't pull away from his touch; rather she leaned into it with her head hung low. Kirk took a chance and pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her and stroking her hair. She allowed this close contact and cried even harder. For a while, they sat just like that, Kirk stroking her hair and Uhura crying. "I'm sorry, Uhura," he said, breaking the silence. "I shouldn't have said what I did. I didn't mean to make you cry."

Something inside Uhura was comforted by Kirk. The embrace coupled with the words of comfort he willingly offered warmed her heart. She pulled back and looked at him, staring into those amazing blue eyes of his. She felt strangely as though she were getting pulled in by them. Before she could control herself, she found herself kissing him sweetly on the lips.

When Uhura's lips met Kirk's, a million different things went off inside his head. He was taken aback by it at first, but it felt so good to feel a woman's lips touching his. He found himself temporarily engrossed in the salty sweetness of her lips, and moved to deepen the kiss. She responded in kind enthusiastically. _So this is what it feels like to kiss Uhura,_ he thought. _Spock was quite a lucky man…_

Visions of the Vulcan played behind Kirk's closed eyes. _Spock…_

Kirk's eyes flew open when the full realization of the situation occurred to him. He was kissing _Uhura_, Spock's ex! Granted, if things were different, Spock would've been the last thing he would be worried about, but he was _involved _with Spock, which changed everything! Coming to his senses, he gently pulled Uhura away. She looked at him, drunk from the kiss. He stood up and turned away from her before he could be persuaded to kiss her again.

"That…was not good," he gasped. "I don't think you should be here anymore."

Uhura looked at the back of Kirk's head, a new sadness filling her heart. She rose from her seat and excused herself silently from the room. Kirk breathed a breath of relief when he heard his door close. He slumped down in the chair Uhura had just sat in and rubbed his forehead. Things just got much more complicated than he had anticipated.

* * *

*covers head* Please don't lynch me for putting Kirk and Uhura together! I swearz, this is still a K/S slash! T_T


	6. Unexpected and Unintended

**Ch 6: Unexpected and Unintended**

McCoy sighed, bored to bits. He had taken care of everything in sick bay, including training his new nurse, who was easy on the eyes but a bit on the clumsy side. The crew didn't need any more medical evaluations until something came up, and since they had just started their mission, no one was rushing in with a busted up arm or a bloody wound. Needless to say, there was little in the way of excitement going on, so when he saw Kirk walk in, his spirits lifted a bit.

"Weeeell, look who finally comes to say hi," McCoy said, crossing his arms like an angry wife who had waited hours for her husband to come home. "For a while I thought I'd have to wait for you to crack your head open to see ya!"

Rolling his eyes at McCoy, Kirk hopped onto the medical table in the center of the room and swinging his legs lazily back and forth. "I'm a captain, Bones! I've got lots of captain-like duties to deal with! I just spent the last 5 hours taking care of an obscene amount of paperwork!"

"So _that's _your excuse for not seeing me?" McCoy retorted, not buying Kirk's excuses for a minute. "You can't honestly expect me to think that _you_ of all people were busy doing _work, _do you?!?"

Kirk put a hand on his chest and feigned indignation. "Bones, you hurt me! Did I not prove I was worthy to become the captain of the Enterprise?"

"The only thing you proved was that you could get your ass kicked and get yourself into a heap of trouble!" McCoy said with a smile. "Tell me straight Jim, what _have _you been up to lately?"

Kirk took stared at McCoy, unsure of how to answer. So, naturally, he dodged the question. "What about you? What'd you do back in Georgia during leave?"

This turned out to be a poor topic of choice. McCoy's face turned sour, as if he had swallowed a bug. "I had to finalize my divorce with my wife. As I expected, she was trying to milk me for all I had left, which was much when after she ran off! I spent the entire time I was in Georgia pulling that blood-sucking leech off of me! I barely had any time to say goodbye to any of my friends or family." He sighed, moving his hands to his hips. "It just goes to show you how treacherous women really are!" A smirk pulled at the corner of Kirk's mouth. It was amusing to him how someone as good looking as McCoy could have so much trouble with women. Then again, once he considered his personality, it made perfect sense.

"Come on Jim," McCoy prodded. "What have you been up to?" McCoy had moved uncomfortably close to Kirk, who was now beginning to fidget. He was feeling less like he was having a friendly conversation and more like he was being interrogated.

Finally cracking, Kirk looked around. No one besides him and the doctor were in sight, but that meant nothing to him. In a low voice, Kirk asked, "Hey uh, is there…is there anybody else in here?"

"Why no," McCoy blinked. "It's just you and me."

Kirk breathed a sigh of relief. The last thing he needed was for someone to hear him. He leaned forward and began to gossip. "Did you hear about Spock and Uhura?"

"I've been too busy being bored witless to hear anything about anyone. Why, what happened?"

Nervously, Kirk looked around again. Satisfied that they were completely alone, he continued. "Well, Spock dumped Uhura yesterday." McCoy's eyebrows shot up on his forehead. He leaned in closer, his voice down to a whisper. "You can't be serious?!?" he asked, unable to hide the surprise in his voice.

Kirk nodded. "Yeah, Uhura's pretty torn up about it too. I saw her on the bridge this morning and offered to lend an ear if she needed to talk to anyone." McCoy shot Kirk a knowing look, but Kirk ignored it. "So she comes to my room and starts giving me the scoop, right? Well, we kinda got into an argument, but then the craziest thing happened…"

"She kissed you," McCoy interrupted, already seeing where this was going.

Blinking, Kirk nodded again. "Yeah, yeah, she kissed me. Now, don't get me wrong, it was a really _nice _kiss, but I stopped her." Shock sent McCoy's eyebrows to his hairline. "Yeah, I know, unlike me, right? But the thing is I couldn't take advantage of her when she was so vulnerable. It…it just didn't seem right to do it."

A smile spread on McCoy's lips as he leaned back and looked at his friend. "Well Jim, I've got to say I'm very proud of you. Seems like you getting into the captain's seat has taught you a little self-control when it comes to the fairer sex!"

Kirk looked away, blushing slightly. "Well," he continued, "that's not the main reason I broke the kiss. I've, uh, I've got someone else I've got my sights set on." Not a complete lie, but not the complete truth. Kirk wasn't exactly sure how McCoy would react if he told him everything, but he had a pretty good idea.

The doctor leaned back in, curiosity getting the better of him. "Someone else, huh? Alright, out with it, who's the lucky girl this time?"

Kirk's blush began to deepen. "It's…it's not a girl," he said, his voice becoming more of a mumble. "It's a guy."

McCoy's heart did a back flip when he heard this. A _guy?!?_He didn't know Jim was playing _both_sides of the field! He gulped, now becoming more than just a little nervous. "A, uh, _guy?_" He asked softly. Kirk nodded. "Yeah, it's a, uh, guy. And he's someone really close to me…"

McCoy's heartbeat had skyrocketed. Blood pumped violently in his ears. His palms began to sweat. _No way, _he thought. _He couldn't be referring to __**me**__, could he? _He wiped his palms on his pants, and then rubbed them together nervously. He wasn't sure if he wanted to find out who he really meant, but if Kirk really _did _have an interest in him…

"Who…who is it Jim?" McCoy was having trouble keeping his voice steady. He desperately hoped Kirk was too embarrassed to notice. Kirk turned his head and looked away, his face beet red. McCoy tried again, anxious to know who it was that Kirk was interested in. His own cheeks began to burn as he moved a little closer to the blond-haired man. "Come on Jim, we're friends. If ya can't tell me, who can ya tell?"

Kirk's eyes flickered towards McCoy's face, not daring to linger there for long. Finally, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply, he revealed himself to McCoy. "It's……Spock."

McCoy flew backwards, the blood in his face draining away. "_Spock?!?" _he shouted, unable to contain his disbelief. "You've got a thing for _Spock?!?!? _That green-blooded, pointed-eared, computerized, emotionless _hobgoblin?!?_"

Flying off the table and rushing over to the crazed doctor, Kirk clapped a hand over his mouth and shushed him loudly. "Shut up Bones! Do you want the whole _ship _to hear you?!?"

The doctor slapped the hand off of his mouth and glared at Kirk. "Have you lost all sense of reason, man?!? What the hell happened to you during the break that rattled you so much you've fallen for _Spock?!?_" Kirk whirled away, placing his hands on the table he had just launched himself off of and leaning on it as if to steady himself. "Answer me man! How the _hell _can you have any feeling other than sheer hatred for that alien?!?"

"_Enough!" _Kirk pounded the table and spun back around to face a shocked Doctor McCoy. Anger set his clear blue eyes on fire, a look McCoy was seldom, if ever, on the receiving end of. He slowly moved forward, unable to hide the rage in his voice. "I don't expect you to understand why I feel the way I feel for Spock. Hell, _I'm_ still trying to understand why I feel the way I feel! But I can't help it Bones! Spock makes me feel different than all the other girls I've ever been with! It's not some bizarre new fetish, this is real love!"

"But Jim," McCoy begged. "Spock doesn't know the first thing about love…"

"How would _you _know? You don't know the first thing about Spock!"

McCoy felt rage begin to build inside him as well. "Do you really think he can give you what you need? Honestly? You're talking about a man who has spent his entire life denouncing all emotion! You really expect him to love you the same way you love him?"

Silence hung thickly in the air. After what he and Spock had discussed, it was strange that McCoy's words were actually affecting Kirk, but perhaps he was right. Though they agreed to build a relationship together, Spock's experience with love was limited to his now dead mother and the seemingly one-sided love from Uhura. Could he really love him the way he would need to be loved?

McCoy took the silence as an opportunity to get his own thoughts out. "Jim…if its love from another man you really wanted…_I _could give you that. And you'd never have a reason to doubt it, because I'd show you every single day that I care…"

The color drained out of Kirk's face. He didn't like the direction this conversation had taken, not one bit. He began to back up slowly, but the doctor followed, eager to close the gap between them. Kirk quickly run out of room and now stood against the table. He cursed the building crew that bolted the table to the floor. McCoy reached out for Kirk's face with a trembling hand. Kirk flinched as it made contact with his face, the doctor's surprisingly smooth hands stroking the stubble he had yet to shave off.

"Don't waste your love on that hob-goblin, Kirk," McCoy said, getting closer and closer, a look in his eyes that Kirk immediately recognized. He was about to get kissed…again. Kirk couldn't help but wonder what it was about him that was making everyone want to kiss him lately. Was he excreting some kind of weird pheromone now that he was with Spock?!?

He couldn't kiss McCoy, not after what had just happened with Uhura. Besides, this was his best friend, the first one he made after entering Starfleet Academy. He didn't want to ruin that with romance, especially when he didn't feel the same way. He tried to pull away, but to his surprise, McCoy didn't allow it. He pulled Kirk closer, his gentleness swiftly becoming fiercer and more desperate, as if he'd lose everything if Kirk were to get away. Kirk grabbed onto McCoy's broad shoulders and using almost all of his strength, he managed to push him away before their lips could meet.

Kirk's heart ached when he saw the look on his friend's face. Disappointment and sadness were not usually seen on the doctor's face, and it ripped Kirk up inside to see it directed at him. Breathless, he stared back at his friend, unable to hide his own sadness. He shook his head, and said, "I'm sorry Bones…even if Spock weren't in the picture, I just don't feel the same way as you do…"

Unable to bear the despair on his friend's face, Kirk swiftly left sick bay. What he didn't notice in his haste to leave was that right outside the door was Uhura, who had heard everything.


	7. Sabotage

**Ch 7: Sabotage**

Uhura clomped down the hallway, still reeling from what she heard. She wanted to believe that she had simply misheard, but as loud as Doctor McCoy had screamed, she'd only be fooling herself. _Kirk has a thing for Spock? I was a little suspicious after the Nero incident, but I never really believed it until now… _Soon after Kirk became official captain of the Enterprise, they seemed to bury the hatchet for the most part. Sure, they bumped heads here and there, but it seemed like they had come to understand each other and that they were willing to co-exist.

She recalled how Kirk began looking at Spock over the last couple of months. How his eyes sort of twinkled. How they tended to follow Spock whenever he entered or left the room. The way he smiled a smile seemed somewhat more personal than one usually shared between comrades, or even simple friends. No, there was much, much more behind those looks._ I should have known he was interested in Spock, _she thought bitterly._ That fool loves a challenge, and Spock would be the biggest challenge of his life._

She stopped in her tracks. Why should Kirk having a thing for Spock be a big deal for her? Just because Kirk fancied Spock didn't mean that Spock felt the same. But then she began to remember some of the things she heard Spock say in reference to the captain. One particular night stood out in her mind:

_The two were in Uhura's room, where they spent most of their time together. Spock's room was uncomfortably small for Uhura's taste, so she volunteered her room often to avoid feeling claustrophobic. She sat at the edge of the bed, Spock's head in her lap facing the door. She gently stroked his hair as they talked._

"_He is completely illogical," Spock said, staring blankly at the space in front of him. "It is as if he has no regard for his own well being. He recklessly throws himself in to every situation head first and fights his way out. Such behavior is unbecoming of a captain."_

"_He's been that way since I met him," Uhura replied. "Ever since I met him in that bar in Iowa, I've seen how hard-headed and persistent he can be."_

"_Oddly enough, that is simultaneously a negative and a positive aspect about the captain."_

_She looked down at Spock, confused. "What do you mean?"_

_Spock turned his body so that his head looked upward at Uhura. "While Captain Kirk has repeatedly put himself and the Enterprise in unfavorable situations, the mission's success and the safety of his crew are always his sole objectives. He is ready and willing to risk bodily harm, so long at those he swore to lead and protect are not compromised. There is also a sort of fire in his eyes, as you humans would put it, that I find incredibly fascinating. Perhaps in his particular case, a captain that is passionate about his position, but takes unnecessary risks is better than a complacent captain who follows the rules."_

_Uhura couldn't help but stare in disbelief at Spock, who innocently stared back at her. "Are you trying to tell me that you __**respect **__the way he handles his position as captain?!?"_

_Spock blinked at Uhura, unsure of why she reacted so. "I merely implied that his recklessness is rather noble when more closely examined." Spock raised an inquiring eyebrow. "Does this bother you?"_

Uhura's fists clenched without her realizing it. Yes, it _did _bother her. She had thought that Spock shared her dislike for the way Kirk treated his position with wanton abandon. He may have avoided large amounts of casualties, but his wild approach to each situation they had encountered to date got under her skin. One of these days he would get them all killed, and where would Spock's _respect _be then?

Spock. She had to talk to Spock. It was too coincidental that she would overhear that Kirk liked Spock so soon after she got dumped. Deep in her heart, she wanted to think the events were completely unrelated, but her gut told her otherwise.

As if he were magically summoned by her own will, Spock turned a corner and walked down the same hallway she was in. He was immersed in his data pad and didn't even notice her presence. In fact, he was so focused he actually passed Uhura completely without knowing she was even there. This was her chance to ask him; if she didn't do it now, she may not have the courage to do it later.

"Spock!"

Her voice echoed slightly in the otherwise empty hall. Spock froze in place, his attention finally drawn to her. He slowly turned around and looked at her blankly.

She walked up to him and pulled at his arm. "Come with me," she said, urgency in her voice. "We need to talk." Spock silently followed her as she pulled him into an empty room. Once the door closed behind them, she began her interrogation.

"Did you dump me because of Kirk?" she asked bluntly, getting straight to the point. Spock's eyes grew large, but only for a moment. Quietly, he answered honestly, "Yes."

"Are you _kidding _me?!?" she yelled. "You dumped me because of _him? Why?!?_"

Spock brought his hands behind his back, pressing his data pad flat against him. He took a deep breath and began doing the one thing Kirk had advised him not to do: he began speaking to her in terms of logic. "The captain and I are in a situation where close contact is not only unavoidable, it is necessary for us to properly function. I find it desirable to be involved with him on a level beyond professionalism. If I can get inside his head and know how he thinks at all times, I can better defuse unfavorable situations so that our missions have a higher rate of success."

"_Bullshit!_"Uhura screamed. Spock was taken aback by her violent reaction. "You can't fool me, Spock. I know the real reason why you dumped me for him! It's because you're in love with him!"

The two stood staring at each other for some time. Spock closed his eyes for a moment, and then opened them again. "If you knew," Spock said, "then why did you inquire?"

Uhura's dry cheeks soon became wet with tears. Gritting her teeth, she answered, "Because I trusted you to tell me the truth."

Her words cut through Spock's heart like a knife. The very thing he had hoped to avoid was unfolding before his eyes. He was about to lose yet another very precious person to him, and this time, it was his own fault. "Does he know?" she asked, knowing the answer would break her heart. Spock turned away from her, not wanting to even be in the same room as her. "_Answer me!_"

He faced her and nodded. Tears continued to stream down her face. "During shore leave, I went to the New Vulcan colony to…spend some time alone with my thoughts. It was during that time that I came to realize how I…felt…about the captain. Apparently when I returned, the captain had used his shore leave to do the very same. We used the remainder of the time admitting the truth to each other and getting to know each other better. We shared stories of our past and…"

"I don't want to hear about how you two became lovers, okay?" Uhura interrupted, a look of disgust on her face. "All I wanted was a straight answer about your real reason for breaking things off with me." She turned and walked toward the door. She stopped herself steps away from the door, turning back around and looking at Spock, her chocolate brown eyes red and puffy from the tears she shed.

"Spock…does Kirk really mean more to you than I do?"

Spock walked up to Uhura and held her close. She wept on his shoulder, remembering how good it felt to be held by him. Instead of answering her directly, he said, "You will always have a special place inside my heart, Nyota." She smiled through the tears. Hearing him call her by her first name made her pain lessen, but only slightly. "However, I do not think we were meant to be more than good friends. I…feel…that my relationship with the captain is one that should be beyond simple duty and friendship, but much more."

Warm wetness began to seep into Spock's shirt where Uhura's tears soaked in. He tentatively raised a hand to her head and begun stroking her hair. "I will never forget what you did for me, how you stood by my side when I lost it all. I truly treasure you, and hope you never feel otherwise." He released his hold on her just enough to plant a kiss on her forehead, wiped a tear away with his thumb, and turned to left the room.

Just as the door opened, Uhura screamed, "_I kissed Kirk!!!" _Spock stopped midstride. _No, _Uhura thought bitterly to herself. _If I can't have him, then I won't let Kirk have him! I'll ruin everything, even if it destroys everything I have with Spock! _She continued, "He offered to comfort me, trying to be all Buddy, Buddy with me. When I went to his room, I kissed him! And he kissed me back!"

The door slid back closed as Spock slowly turned to face Uhura. To her surprise, instead of seeing incredulous pain in his face, she saw…rage? No, that couldn't have been it. She went on, "He doesn't love you! He doesn't have it in him to love you! You're just a play thing for him, another sexual target for his-"

Her voice trailed off when she realized that Spock was right in front of her, centimeters from her face. Uhura had been so busy yelling that she didn't notice that Spock had also grabbed a fistful of her uniform. The rage she had thought she had imagined now stared her straight in the face. She hadn't seen that kind of look since Kirk exposed him as emotionally compromised on the bridge. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw that look was now directed fully at her.

"You_ lie,_" he rumbled. Uhura smiled evilly, doing her best not to show how unnerved she was. "If you don't believe me, ask him. He's wanted me since I met him in that bar in Iowa, and I could see in his eyes when we were alone that he still does." The words she spoke were completely unlike her, but she didn't care how she sounded anymore. She only wanted him to hurt like she did. "It's a shame he pushed me away, but I think if I persisted enough, he'd have easily changed his mind about refusing me. Who knows? Maybe I could have even made him forget all about _you._"

Spock's eyes appeared to almost glow red with rage. He pulled her closer and said in a dangerous tone, "Jim is _mine, _and mine _alone. _Regardless of whatever feminine wiles you attempt to seduce him with, _nothing _will change that." Spock released his grip on Uhura's uniform and she promptly pushed him away. "You're wasting your time!" she screamed, completely delirious with anger. "He's just going to break your heart! You'll regret you ever left me for him, you wait and see!"

He looked at her with a look of enraged pity. "I am disappointed in you, _Uhura,_" Spock stressed the use of her last name instead of her first, which sent daggers through her heart. "I had envisioned you to be a much nobler and more dignified woman than the spectacle you just made of yourself. Apparently I was foolish to think you could handle this situation in a mature fashion." He turned away and left the room, stopping only for a moment to say, "Whether he breaks my heart or not is no longer a concern of yours. I will no longer divulge any personal information with you from this day forth."

The door slid behind Spock, leaving Uhura all alone. Uhura dropped to the floor and bawled like a child, not caring if anyone outside heard her.

* * *

More unexpected reactions from Uhura! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but Spock put her in her place! Hope this makes up for the Kirk/Uhura kiss…^_^;;


	8. Making Amends

**Ch 8: Making Amends**

The room was deadly quiet, save the slow breathing of the Vulcan that sat in the middle of it. Beads of sweat clung to his forehead as he struggled to bury his emotions deep. It was madding how difficult it was becoming to push his emotions down. Nothing he tried seemed to work anymore. Things were really starting to look bleak. Vulcans typically undertook _kolinahr, _the purge of all emotion, when they reached maturity, but Spock managed to avoid this due to his entrance into Starfleet. If he could not control his emotions on his own, he would have to go to the New Vulcan colony and go through the ceremony. If he did that, then everything he had come to feel about Kirk would be gone. _Kolinahr _was by and far the last reason he wanted to pay another visit to the Vulcan colony, but if things continued to go as they were, there'd be no avoiding it.

A knock at the door broke his concentration. He tried to submerge his irritation in vain. He stood up and opened the door, not caring who it was in his current mood. Standing behind the door when he opened it was the worst face he could see in his state.

"_Uhura,_" he growled. She winced at the sound of his voice, but held her ground. "Spock, can we talk?" Spock moved to close the door, but she placed her hands on either side of the door. "_Please?_"

He glared at her, but moved out of her way to allow her entrance into her room. She walked in, wringing her hands nervously. She didn't expect Spock to look so angry when she arrived, but she'd witnessed firsthand that even Vulcans have their limits. Silence hung heavily in the air, the tension so thick you'd need a chainsaw to cut through it. She turned around and was startled by how close Spock was to her. His eyes were filled with multiple emotions, none of them positive. She bit her lip, knowing the trouble Spock was having was all her fault, but also knew there was little she could do to change it.

"I wanted to apologize to you for my outburst," she began. "I really shouldn't have reacted the way I did. You have every right to love whoever it is you please, and I have no right to lash out at you, even if I don't agree with your choice." She looked at Spock, but he stared at her blankly, his eyes saying all she needed to hear. "If I could take what I did and said back, I would, but…"

"If you came here to beg for my friendship, you are wasting your time," Spock replied coldly. "As a Vulcan, I have no need for friends, especially those who take it upon themselves to go out of their way to do me harm." He walked back to the door and held it open for her. Uhura fought back tears, knowing she couldn't let things be this way.

"You can't tell me you've never been driven to act impulsively!" she cried. "You can't tell me that nothing has pushed you over the edge of your control, and made you act despicably! I couldn't deal with the fact that you loved Kirk more than me, okay? I still can't! But I don't want to lose you over it, you mean too much to me!"

Her words seemed to finally reach Spock, quelling some of the dark rage he barely kept inside. He let the door close and walked back up to her. He stood staring at her, judging the sincerity of her words, then began to speak. "I can forgive your rash actions. I can forgive you losing control of your emotions. What I _cannot_ forgive, is that you tried to use Jim to hurt me. I do not _care_ what your reasons were, and I do not _care _whether you were in the right to do what you did. You were the _last _person alive I ever thought would do what you did to me…"

He didn't realize it, but tears fell freely from his eyes. His voice caught in his throat, the pain blocking his ability to speak. He bowed his head, closed his eyes, and clenched his fists in shame for allowing himself to show such an immense amount of emotion. Warm, thin arms wrapped themselves around him and held him close. Memories of his mother's comforting embrace broke down the last of his already flimsy control. He sobbed loudly, unable to take it anymore. Everything was happening too much, too fast. He had nothing left in him to hold on to.

Uhura didn't bother trying to hold herself together. The two cried in the middle of the room together, their legs giving way and bringing them down to the floor. They let all their pain out; their sobs interrupted only by the occasional "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" from Uhura. This went on for ten minutes before they both finally recollected themselves.

Spock spoke in his usual calm tone, "I cannot forget so quickly what you have done, and I will not pretend that all is well for your sake. In time, I am sure I can come to look past your actions. But it would be unwise for you to assume or even to hope that time will come quickly." He paused and looked at Uhura, who wore a sad look on her face. She nodded, and said, "I understand. I hope I can regain your trust."

Uhura gave Spock a kiss on his forehead, then moved toward the door. Before she left, she said, "I wish the best of luck to you and Kirk. I just hope you know what you're doing." When the door closed, Spock called out to the silence, "I do."

* * *

Kirk scrapped the now empty plate for the last bit of crumbs from his blueberry cobbler. Even the sweet nostalgic taste of the cobbler could lift his spirits, not even four helpings of it. He plopped the plate on the small stack beside him and put his head on the table. He secretly wished he'd slip into a diabetic coma so that he could escape the misery that was his life, but knew that'd help about as much as his trip to the bar in Iowa had.

He felt a finger tap his shoulder and nearly jumped out of his skin. He spun around and came face to face with McCoy. He flew out of his chair, knocking it over loudly. Fortunately, the mess hall was empty save the two of them, so there was no one around to stare at him like he was a weirdo.

McCoy pursed his lips. "I guess I can't blame you for reacting like that."

Kirk would've felt bad about the sad, lonely look McCoy gave him, only he was too busy putting distance between them. "Look, McCoy, I know you've got feelings for me and all, but I – I – I just don't feel the same way!" Kirk stuttered. "Don't get me wrong, you're a great guy, you really are! B-but I think you're just feeling really lonely right now, you know, with your divorce and leaving all your friends and family in Georgia behind for five years and everything! But seriously, I'm no good for you! I'd drive you to drink, more than you already do!"

McCoy rolled his eyes and shouted in his Southern drawl, "Aw, for Pete's sake, would ya shaddup already?!?" That shut Kirk up. Kirk knew that whenever McCoy got really angry, his Georgian accent flared up, and at that moment, he didn't dare say another word. Finally getting an opportunity to speak, McCoy said, "Look, I came to tell ya that I'm sorry, alright? It wasn't right for me to snap at you for your weird taste in men and I shouldn't have tried to make you kiss me."

Kirk had finally stopped looking frantic and gave McCoy a look of relief. McCoy took this as a good sign and continued. "I'll admit I am a little…off…because of the divorce. But I've cared about you for a long time, and it bugs me that I'm losing to that green-blooded hobgoblin. I came first dammit, and if I knew I stood half a chance with you, I would have taken it long before he showed up!"

He sighed heavily. "Still, I don't want ya feeling like you can't even be in the same room with me without things getting all awkward. Hell, even if I gotta settle for just being your friend, I still want you around, ya know? As squirrely as you are, you're damn good company and you make me forget just how miserable I am. So whadda ya say, huh? Can we go back to being friends?"

McCoy stood with his arms open, offering a once in a lifetime opportunity to be hugged. Kirk couldn't help but smile as he bridged the gap between them and gave him an enthusiastic hug. The two men laughed, the heavy burdens of awkwardness and embarrassment now completely off their shoulders. They pulled apart and looked at each other, both reveling in the big grin the other wore. Taking a chance, McCoy dared to ask, "Would it be too much to ask for just one_, _small kiss?"

Kirk couldn't resist that darling look on McCoy's face. He smirked, and said, "Oh, alright. But only on the cheek!" He leaned in and was about to kiss McCoy's cheek, when McCoy quickly turned his head. Their lips met only for a moment, but it was long enough for McCoy. The grin on his face now twice as big, his cheeks turned rosy while Kirk's face began to glow red. McCoy ran out of the mess hall, laughing hysterically. Kirk followed in pursuit, yelling "You cheater!!!" as he ran.


	9. Good Night My Angel

Last chapter! This last chapter is technically a songfic, but it has a lot to do with the story! The song that Spock's music box plays is "Lullaby (Good Night My Angel)" by Billy Joel, which I make no moneys off of either. It's a fitting song for his mother to sing him to sleep with and the words also fit well with…well, you'll see! :D

**Ch 9: Good Night My Angel**

Spock sat on the edge of his bed, tears slowly rolling down his smooth pale face. Two days had passed since the encounter with Uhura, and he hadn't seen Kirk since the Enterprise set sail for its first mission. Their separation was hitting him hard; he had expected that they could at least be able to engage in some friendly chess matches, but with his fervent meditations, he had little time to leave his room. Strangely enough, Kirk didn't bother seeking him out either. _Perhaps Uhura's threats of stealing Kirk away from me were more than idle threats, _he thought. His heart felt as though it were being shredded into pieces, pieces which sunk to the pit of his stomach. Was this what human misery was like? It was indeed a powerful emotion, one he wished he couldn't feel at all. He decided to simply give up on his attempts at meditating since he couldn't concentrate, and instead allowed the human side of him to take over and just feel.

The music box Uhura had given him sat lightly in his hands, playing its little song over and over. As soon as the song ended, he'd crank it up again and let it play. He couldn't tell if the song eased his heart or worsened the pain, but it was all he had right now. The last little bit of his friendship with Uhura and the love of his mother sat in those pale, slender hands of his, and he didn't dare let go of it. Not now.

He wasn't used to singing and his voice was harsh and scratchy from all the crying he had done, but still, he sang the song as best he could. "_Goodnight, my angel / Time to close your eyes / And save these questions for another day / I think I know what you've been asking me / I think you know what I've been trying to say / I promised I would never leave you / And you should always know…_" He felt his throat close up before he could finish the words.

To his surprise a familiar voice sang the end of the stanza for him. _"Wherever you may go / No matter where you are / I never will be far away…_"

He raised his head and saw Kirk standing in his doorway, a sweet smile on his lips. "Billy Joel, a musical genius of the 20th century. That's one of his best songs, at least in my opinion." He walked up to Spock, the smile somehow giving him strength he had lost.

"Jim," he croaked. Kirk walked up to the Vulcan's bed and sat next to him. He pointed at the music box in his hands. "That's a rather nice music box you have. I don't remember seeing it in your room though…did you get it recently?" Spock nodded. "It was a gift from Uhura."

"Ah," Kirk said. He didn't really want to push the issue, but he was genuinely curious. "Is that her favorite song or something?" Spock stared down at the music box and said quietly, "My mother sung this song to me when I had trouble sleeping as a child. During shore leave, Uhura searched all over to find a music box that played this song…"

_Well, this is going well… _Kirk thought bitterly to himself. "It's a beautiful song. A good song to show just how much you love someone."

The two sat in silence, the events of the last two days whirling in their head. So much needed to be said, and yet both were too scared to say a word.

Spock broke the silence. "Jim…I'm afraid."

Kirk gave Spock a strange look. "Afraid of what?"

In a low voice, Spock replied, "Myself. I am losing control, Jim. I cannot control my emotions the way I used to anymore. I spend more and more time meditating, and I find myself gaining less and less control from it. There is something strange, something dark deep inside of me; I have felt it stir in me many times, mostly when I was a young boy. I feel it stirring more and more lately, like it is anxious to be set free, like it is refusing to be contained any longer. I am afraid of what I might do if I lose all control of myself…" He looked at Kirk, fear in his eyes. "I could wind up hurting you."

Kirk gulped. He had experienced some of Spock's uncontrolled strength – it was a force to be reckoned with and a frightful sight to see. The last thing he wanted to do was to be on the receiving end of that strength ever again, especially if it was every fully unleashed. "Is there another way to combat this dark force that's nullifying your mediation?"

Spock closed his eyes and turned away. "Only one. It is called _kolinahr_, a purge of emotions that allows a Vulcan to completely control all of their emotions permanently. It is a procedure that Vulcans typically undergo once they reach adulthood, but I was able to avoid the ceremony due to my enrollment into Starfleet. It is because I did not undergo _kolinahr _that I reacted so violently when you provoked me on the bridge. It is also the reason I was so susceptible to Uhura's advances after Vulcan was destroyed. And ultimately, it is what allowed me to fall in love with you." Spock grasped Kirk's hands with his own, his body heat soaking in to Kirk's skin. "My emotions have caused me to feel a great deal of pain and anger, but it has allowed me to experience the greatest thing ever – your love. It makes me realize just how deeply I loved my mother too. I do not want to give that up, but if I am to truly protect you and continue my role as Science Officer on the Enterprise, I will have to give up every single emotion left inside of me."

"No!" Kirk grabbed Spock's shoulders and shook him. "You can't just do a wipe on your emotions! There has to be some other way, some way where you can overcome that dark side of you and hold on to your emotions! You're not a computer with a virus, Spock! You're a living person! Humans have managed to overcome their darker side for decades! You're half-human! You can fight it!"

Fresh tears trickled down Spock's cheeks. "Jim," his voice broke as he tried to speak, "I don't think I can…"

Kirk pulled Spock close and held him in his arms. Spock was surprised to find the tears stopped flowing the moment Kirk wrapped his arms around him. Kirk whispered in Spock's ear, "You can do it Spock. I know you can. I'm here to help you. I won't ever leave your side."

It was so strange how words so simple seemed to empower him. Could this have been why his control had slipped so drastically? Because Kirk wasn't there by his side to reassure him when he needed him? How was it that this man, this simple human, was able to fill him with such confidence? Why did he suddenly feel as though he could face anything?

Kirk pulled Spock away from him so that he could wipe the tear-stained cheeks of his dearest love. "Come on Spock, Vulcans aren't supposed to cry like this." Spock struggled to find the words to say, but Kirk said them for him. "I know it's been pretty hard these last few days. We've both got our doubts and it seems like there's been plenty of things that have tried to drive a wedge between us lately." He took Spock's chin in his hands and gave that dazzling, sincere smile of his. "But none of that matters. Whatever life throws at us, at the end of the day, we have each other to hold on to, and that's all we need to get through anything."

The strength Spock had gained only intensified with Kirk's profound words. He knew that these weren't hollow words spoken solely to lift his spirits. He could sense that they were words that came straight from his heart that he meant with all of his being. He tried to think logically about the situation, but found that he could no longer think; he could only feel. And he felt, for the first time in his life, happiness. Happiness at finally knowing love, happiness that he was no longer alone, and happiness that he had found someone who not only understood him, but accepted him as he was.

It suddenly became very clear to him what it was his mother had lived her life for: She had lived solely to make her son be happy. It didn't matter what became of her, so long as he was safe and happy, she had everything she needed. He felt something in him lift and disappear. His brow furrowed, confused at this feeling. He somehow felt lighter, less burdened. Then it occurred to him what he was feeling. The guilt and regret he felt from the loss of his mother had lifted from him. He no longer felt any of the pain of losing her – he now only felt the warm feeling of her love. He felt it in his heart and all around him. His eyes filled with tears again, and Kirk embraced him once more. Without saying a word to him, he knew exactly what Spock felt and what he needed. He stroked Spock's hair, saying nothing at first. Spock sobbed as he clutched on to Kirk tightly. His sobs were the only thing that filled the air, until he heard Kirk sing.

"_Goodnight, my angel / Now it's time to sleep / And still so many things I want to say / Remember all the songs you sang for me / When we went sailing on an emerald bay / And like a boat out on the ocean / I'm rocking you to sleep …" _Spock chimed in amidst his tears. "_The water's dark and deep / Inside this ancient heart / You'll always be a part of me…"_

The two took a moment to look at each other. Tears still clung to Spock's eyelashes, which Kirk wiped away with his hands. He smiled a little smile and said quietly, "Mind if I spend the night in your bunk?" Spock smiled a little smile in return and replied, "I could use the company."

They rose to their feet and removed their clothing. Once they were down to their Starfleet underwear, Spock turned the light in the room off and they crawled underneath the sheets. Kirk had his back toward the wall while Spock snuggled against his chest, facing the door. Kirk wiggled an arm from under the covers and resumed the lullaby, stroking Spock's hair as he sang softly. _"Goodnight, my angel / Now it's time to dream / And dream how wonderful your life will be / Someday your child may cry / And if you sing this lullaby / Then in your heart / There will always be a part of me…"_

Kirk paused, then grinned when he heard the Vulcan snoring softly. Apparently he was wiped out from the emotional roller coaster he had gone on over the last few days. He couldn't blame him. All these emotions were not only new, but they were overwhelming to experience so quickly and in such abundance. He held the sleeping Spock close to him and finished the song before falling asleep himself. Little did he know that as he sang the end of the song, Spock heard his mother's voice sing along with him.

"_Someday we'll all be gone / But lullabies go on and on... / They never die / That's how you and I will be."_

_

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Gah! I wanted to cry when I wrote this chapter…T_T I hope you all enjoyed this sequel. I know some of you are anxious to see Spock confront McCoy...but it won't be happening in this story! Don't worry, there's another sequel on the way, which will be chock full of Dark Spock - more than you may be ready for! I've already decided to call it Duality, so be on the look out for it! :D


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